A Wizards Tale - Blood, Traps and Babies

A Wizards Tale is a place where I will tell the stories that have happened to me over the many years of playing RPG's. Inspired by The Spoony One's 'Counter Monkey' series, some stories will be funny, some shocking and others just out right insane. It may not all be exactly as it happened as my mind gets cloudy but the morals are still there. So Sit back and enjoy...

A few weeks ago my gaming group and I sat around the table for another D&D game. We prepared ourselves for a simple dungeon delve with the potential for some Dragon slaying. Naturally we were pretty pumped, and were ready to slaughter anything in the way of the prize; a mighty powerful scroll that the big bad is after.

We charged into the dungeon, swords held high, shields at the ready, bows drawn and staves waving, but little did we suspect that this would be far from the simple dungeon delve we had assumed we were in for. Instead we found an abandoned ruin and we fairly quickly realised that the previous inhabitants were a mean bunch.

The first room was an entrance hall, with a tapestry, a big ass statue and some helmets in the shape of different animals. We figured we had to put one of the helmets on the statue, I mean why else would they be there? We studied the tapestry looking for clues and figured it out, it was the Wolf helmet. We sent the fighter off to put the helmet on the statue while the rest of us proceeded to back away...just in case. But it didn't matter how much we backed away, because a poisonous gas began to fill the room. Apparently we hadn't figured it out at all. We threw the other helmets to the fighter who tried them one after another until...finally! we got the right one, the last one of course. A door opened *EXHALE* "We're alive" I screamed as the gas dissipated and we could finally breath again.

Needless to say my Wizard, Elric didn't like this place too much. Before he got caught up in all this saving the world nonsense he was living a comfortable life using his magical talents to con the rich out of their gold and the women out of their clothes. Now he spent his days in the company of a foul smelling Goliath, a morally ambiguous Eladrin and an Elf who had clearly spent time in some kind of city gang. And after nearly being killed for what seemed like the 200th time he knew things were not going to get any easier.

We kept travelling through this hell hole of a ruin, fighting our way passed traps, including one that killed our leader just to have him unexpectedly revived in my arms as I was about to throw him into a pool of what I assumed was blood, that I hoped would somehow heal him...it made sense at the time...to me...mostly.

After finally getting to kill something we had discovered a few things; the people who lived here were dicks, for some reason they had a room with 4 pools of strange liquid in, and a room with 5 portals in, 4 of which were traps. We had no idea what so ever which portal we had to go through, after mostly blindly forcing our way through the traps previous to this we were not prepared to make this decision, one that could easily lead to a TPK. In our desperation we sought to find meaning behind the strange pools of liquid, we each took one and did as many checks on them as we could manage. Not really discovering anything I painted my face with my chosen liquid, which turned out to be blood and then drank some. Miraculously my wounds were healed and the headache induced by the Goliaths smell went away.

Spurred on by my lucky discovery of healing blood the others decided to drink their liquids too. Maybe we should have realised this was a bad idea, but we were so desperate for answers this actually seemed like a good idea...but it wasn't.

Kronk, the Goliath fighter took a mighty swig from his pool and quickly doubled over in pain as the liquid burned his insides. Skorm our leader had a very tentative sip from his pool, which proved to be a good idea as it contained tiny little creatures which tried to eat him as he drank. Then Lucan, the gangster ranger took a drink of what he had found out was milk, just ordinary goats milk, nothing wrong with that right? well no not at all, except when it contains the eggs of a Succubus. He felt a tingly feeling in his gentle Elven stomach and after a few Arcana checks I realised what was happening...in 1 to 5 days a Succubus baby was going to explode its way out of him.

Having no idea how to stop this or any way to get to someone who did in time we decided to simply progress and let future us deal with the problem. Still having no idea which portal to choose, to our horror Skorm calmly stepped into one of them. Deciding we couldn't just leave him to face who knows what kind of evil we followed him, though I may have voted to leave instead.

Thankfully it was the right portal and after just a little bit of trouble we came to a room with some lava, a few little minions oh and a giant Dragon!  Lucan managed to destroy a strange object in the back that was healing the Dragon and I put the beast to sleep for most of the fight so it didn't get to do very much really.

After killing the dragon, getting the scroll and finding a gauntlet that turns the wearer evil we finally got out of that forsaken place and had to reassess the pregnant Lucan situation.  Out of options, we knocked him out, took his skinning knife and I cut that son of a bitch out of him. Little had a I realised that this monstrosity would be so....adorable. I instantly fell in love with the little bundle of life sucking cuteness and named her Georgina, then Skorm cut her head off. I was horrified but later realised that I may have possibly been under some kind of charm effect and never actually loved the thing.

The lesson learnt from this misadventure; always follow your leader, don't drink strange liquids and in case of Succubus impregnation, surgery is the way to go.