Shep’s Top 5 things that made me rage in 2011.

You know the deal, occasionally there are things and people out there that seem to not only know which buttons in your brain will cause you to flip out and passionately hate them, but the correct order to press said buttons to get the maximum amount of rage possible. This list is dedicated to the things I hate the most from 2011.

5) The White Bird from Angry Birds

... because (unless I'm in control) and explosive egg is about to land on you.

I have lost count of the number of times I've been on course for a 3 star rating on a level of Angry Birds only to be fucked over by having to use a White Bird. True this be my down to my own ineptitude at handling this bomb dropping beast but I will forever maintain that the White Bird is the most difficult to aim, use and subsequently put up with delaying me in my attempts to master Angry Birds.

4) Justin Bieber

Suddenly my knuckles are feeling a bit itchy.

I'm going to take this opportunity to explain how InfinityFeed's Bieber got his nickname when his name is James Brown ... we all hate him just as much as Justin. Nah, he just really likes Justin Bieber and plays his songs on an endless loop.

Ok, the real reason is because they have the same initials and we knew that if we name-raped him it would piss him off due to the association with Justin Bieber. That is how much we at InfinityFeed despise Justin Bieber, to piss off our friend we changed his name to Bieber, and it worked!

Justin, there are more words in the english language than "Baby", or even your new favourite "Shorty". You're a white Canadian, not a brotha from the hood, you can't pull it off. I know it sucks but that's just the way it is, sorry.

3) Mark Wahlberg

How to look like a douche 101.

Will this guy please make a decent film? I’m sorry, but everything I have ever seen him in has been utter shite (Max Payne, the Happening, the Perfect Storm, Three Kings, Planet of the Apes and the Italian Job).

Pre-Christmas I sat down to (finally) watch the 1968 Planet of the Apes and was amazed by it, there are other films that I have been told were amazing *coughTHEGODFATHERcough* and had to been seen before I died *ach-2001: aSpaceOdyssey-ooo* but I must have watched a different movie to the ones everyone else did. Planet of the Apes was another of these films and this time people were spot on with how good it actually was. 

Landon: "What do you think, Taylor?"
Taylor: "It's Dodge's penis, Landon"

I hold Mark Wahlberg personally responsible for fucking up the Planet of the Apes remake and the Italian Job remake, he had a big job following on from Charlton Heston and Michael Cane but this guy was so bad it wasn’t until I looked up the cast for both films on IMDB that I realised that he was in both films, he was that forgettable!

He also has the world’s stupidest nickname: Marky Mark. I realise Shep isn’t that much more imaginative but at least I don’t insist that people call me Sheppy Shep.

2) Modern Sonic

Why do I keep posting pictures of this monstrosity?

I’m not even gonna bother, just read the Sonic Generations Review review I posted on this site. I pretty much emptied my spleen there.

1) Cliff-fucking-Richard

Not even the leather jacket is enough to make him look butch.

I’m going to get a lot of grief for this one from Pixel Punk’s mum for this one but fuck it. I despise this horrible little whelk so much that I’m deliberately using language that is trying to avoid using expletives as once I start the torrent of hate will not stop. On the brightside he now has an interesting, new and hyphenated middle name, which is nice. Originally he wasn't even on the list but, as I am writing this after Christmas, he's managed to find a way onto it.

 I don’t find it at all suspicious that the british public (thankfully) hear nothing from him for 11 months of the year only to have him turn up again around Christmas, when we are all generally in the correct, joyful mood which even he cannot tarnish when he is typically trying to get his grubby little mitts on another number 1 single.

For those that don’t know – Cliff Richard is a British pop “star” famous for songs like “young ones”, “we’re all going on a summer holiday”, “Congratulations” and the “Millennium Prayer”. Thankfully, I’m too young to have been around when Cliff started in the 50’s but I knew this guy was full of shit in 1999 when he said something along the lines of “I cannot think of a more universal message of peace than this” and proceeded to sing the Lord’s prayer (a Christian prayer) to the sound of Auld Lang Syne.

Fuck you Cliff, even my 14 year old brain was smart enough to see through the shit you were shovelling with that. I’m not against Christianity, just like I’m not against any other religion, but I wouldn’t say I was for it either. What other people believe is theirs to believe, they can believe in men in the sky, or flying spaghetti monsters, but I don’t appreciated being preached to in any way shape or form. I'll leave you to pray to God peacefully, as long as you stay off of TV and the radio, and you can leave me to worship Joe Pesci in peace. In the words of the late George Carlin, "Joe looks like someone who can get things done".

A God amongst men.